This isnt normaly like me but I have hit a climax in my life a turning point where i need to make a decision about many things all at once... First off i apologize to anyone i may offend in this... Please understand i need to get this off my chest and this is an outlet for me... I probably wont keep this up forever for that reason... I know im not the only person whom is suffering out there and nor do i think my problems are greater then another they are simply different...
many of you don't really know but I have been struggling with depression these last few moths... It's hard to keep an external shell of Valor and joyfullness when your heart is desintegrating on the inside... Sure good things happen but when your dead inside nothing seems to keep you happy for long... and I'm sorry but... i cant do it anymore.
My family is currently going through hardship... Life keeps beating us down in any way possible. Every time we may see the light in an otherwise hopeless situation a deathly black net captures us in its snare never to be free form our pain and circumstance...
I cant tell you how mahy times OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER!! our hopes constantly brought high only to be stomped to the gorund by the bitterness that is reality....
UP... DOWN... UP... DOWN...
again and again the process continues till there is no more reason to hope... "Why... its not going to happen... there will be nothing good come of it." I hear myself saying. but god oh god i hate that part of me that wont just shrivel up and die already that little sid eof myself that says "Just maybie... maybie we will be ok this time.." DAMN IT TO HELL im tired of that feeling bringing me and my family only more disappointment in the end of what could have been what our lives could have been like if only if only!!!
...but hope we must, to survive... I know not how else to describe it. I Feel this this would be hell... living with promices of a better tomorrow that will always dangle infornt of your noes like a carrot never to be let down for you to savor its sweet tast but always dangling never to nouris of renew ones soul...
I have always considered mysef a firm believer in God, and sorry if i offend most of you but also in Jesus Christ Dieing for my sins... but I am being tested... And it hurts my heart that I find myself spiting the one who cares about me so... I know i shouldn't but DAMN IT ALL IM HUMAN LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!! Just because i'm a Christian doesn't make me perfect and I'm F*&^%$# sick and tired of this!
There is a future for my husband and I as I have said it is good news but... again it could be a doubleedged sword that could come back to cut us in the heart if we are not careful at this point... the future is never certain of course its not!! we always have to have backup plans of backup plans and its so convoluted and stupid we mide as well not even make that leap take that risk! because god knows we will always be let down int he end anyways...
I fear for my family and what they will do to cope with these hardships life has thrown at all of us in this desperate time for our country... I have heard it happen to so many... but never do you fully comprehend it till it happens to you... When the news hits... you stare and feel like you are watching a horribly screwed up sitcom unfold before your eyes, you feel strangely disconnected for a time till it slaps you in your face that this indeed is really happening to you...
I am sad... I am scared... I am crying... crying and crying and crying and wheezing and gagging with such deep desperation. how many more years... will it be...
There is longing for something better... there is torment that you will never escape... OH God!! there is unyielding torment!!!!
wearing patience thin and tempters thinner... there is the feeling of loss... there is desperation filling the air thick like summer humidity... there is anxiety... there is uncertainty for the future...
and above all there is Exhaustion...
... Please if you are of faith or even not of it would you pray for my family...
It kills me that i can do nothing but watch and pray to the God that has held us from rest for far to long... What do you want from us already!!!
We are tired... when will there be relief... when will we be freed form this Black Box that contains us... please tell me God... I plead with you...
Last year, in a total of about 5 months, I lost 4 members of my family. They were all in another state, so I could not go to any of their funerals. This year I lost another one. And my mother has come close to committing suicide. Trust me when I say I can probably understand, at least a bit, the pain you feel. Life has this nasty habit of wanting to test us, and it seems only when things are going so awesome. Could it have been something said that jinxed it? Could it have been negative energy put more towards what could happen to mess things up?
I'm not religious myself, but I do offer you positive energy and thoughts. I sincerely hope all goes better for you and your guy. Try not to dwell on the negative things.
All I can really say is perhaps learning from the darkness that has happened will help to find the light.
I have this huge Buddhist Gathering with Hundreds of people attending this Friday 7pm Pacific, I am the Host/MC so I will for sure have you in my prayers.
I have been threw a lot over the pass year and I thought I was going to drown in it, all I kept doing was looking up, thinking of positive thoughts and massive amounts of praying/studying with my faith. I am threw with Los Angeles and back home in Oregon with my Parents and starting over, the pass is no more than a dream and it's time to forge forward.
There is hope. I kept saying that before I go to bed and know that there is a better pass for me to go, I got over my depression that lasted three years and now learning the way life is. It's Trial and Error. At the end it feels relief but to start fresh and have strong faith to tackle any Obstacle in the future again. I am grateful that you express this because boiling these feelings inside is cancerous, that's why friends and family are here to support you and send billions of prayers to you and your family!
I'm on facebook if you have any questions I will be there for you!
you always seemed like one of the nicest and most cheerful person i know online, so this all comes as a big surprise to me. reaching out is the right thing to do... so kudos to you for doing that! been through a lot of crazy up and downs myself... i think a lot of us have. if you ever want to rant less publically, send me a message/voice chat/note/email. hang in there, rachel! and also, art is always a great outlet for this sorta thing. keep on drawing! this one that you posted is full of emotion and if i had only seen that and not the words that followed, i would be able to tell you've got a lot on your mind.
I don't follow any religion, and I don't quite know what you're going through so I can't give any real words of comfort to help you continue with what you're going through.
The only real advice I can give is that it's sometimes best not to hope. Sometimes it's simply best to not think things will get better and simply persevere with certainty that some time in the future things will improve rather than praying for it. ... If there is anything I can do, any time, just let me know though.
I'm sorry for the hardships and I wish I had something to say that could cheer you up and maybe make you feel better. However, as a friend, I hope things get better for you and if you ever need a shoulder, I'll do my best to be there.
I understand so much more then you could ever know. If you ever want to talk, rant or just cry, Im here for you. Ive been going through depression for...hell a very very long time. I no longer have any dreams and just drawing can seem more like a chore then a joy or outlet. Then when it all comes down on you with that heavy emptiness...its a horrible feeling. Like your in a hole and no mater how much you climb and struggle to get out you just slid right back to the bottom.
Know that your not alone and that Im here to help if you want it. God Bless you. You are a very strong person and I know that good things will come to you.
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`anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More