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Black Box by Laserbot Black Box by Laserbot
This isnt normaly like me but I have hit a climax in my life a turning point where i need to make a decision about many things all at once... First off i apologize to anyone i may offend in this... Please understand i need to get this off my chest and this is an outlet for me... I probably wont keep this up forever for that reason... I know im not the only person whom is suffering out there and nor do i think my problems are greater then another they are simply different...

many of you don't really know but I have been struggling with depression these last few moths... It's hard to keep an external shell of Valor and joyfullness when your heart is desintegrating on the inside... Sure good things happen but when your dead inside nothing seems to keep you happy for long... and I'm sorry but... i cant do it anymore.

My family is currently going through hardship... Life keeps beating us down in any way possible. Every time we may see the light in an otherwise hopeless situation a deathly black net captures us in its snare never to be free form our pain and circumstance...

I cant tell you how mahy times OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER!! our hopes constantly brought high only to be stomped to the gorund by the bitterness that is reality....

UP... DOWN... UP... DOWN...

again and again the process continues till there is no more reason to hope... "Why... its not going to happen... there will be nothing good come of it." I hear myself saying. but god oh god i hate that part of me that wont just shrivel up and die already that little sid eof myself that says "Just maybie... maybie we will be ok this time.." DAMN IT TO HELL im tired of that feeling bringing me and my family only more disappointment in the end of what could have been what our lives could have been like if only if only!!!

...but hope we must, to survive... I know not how else to describe it. I Feel this this would be hell... living with promices of a better tomorrow that will always dangle infornt of your noes like a carrot never to be let down for you to savor its sweet tast but always dangling never to nouris of renew ones soul...

I have always considered mysef a firm believer in God, and sorry if i offend most of you but also in Jesus Christ Dieing for my sins... but I am being tested... And it hurts my heart that I find myself spiting the one who cares about me so... I know i shouldn't but DAMN IT ALL IM HUMAN LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!! Just because i'm a Christian doesn't make me perfect and I'm F*&^%$# sick and tired of this!

There is a future for my husband and I as I have said it is good news but... again it could be a doubleedged sword that could come back to cut us in the heart if we are not careful at this point... the future is never certain of course its not!! we always have to have backup plans of backup plans and its so convoluted and stupid we mide as well not even make that leap take that risk! because god knows we will always be let down int he end anyways...

I fear for my family and what they will do to cope with these hardships life has thrown at all of us in this desperate time for our country... I have heard it happen to so many... but never do you fully comprehend it till it happens to you... When the news hits... you stare and feel like you are watching a horribly screwed up sitcom unfold before your eyes, you feel strangely disconnected for a time till it slaps you in your face that this indeed is really happening to you...

I am sad... I am scared... I am crying... crying and crying and crying and wheezing and gagging with such deep desperation. how many more years... will it be...

There is longing for something better... there is torment that you will never escape... OH God!! there is unyielding torment!!!!

wearing patience thin and tempters thinner... there is the feeling of loss... there is desperation filling the air thick like summer humidity... there is anxiety... there is uncertainty for the future...

and above all there is Exhaustion...

... Please if you are of faith or even not of it would you pray for my family...

It kills me that i can do nothing but watch and pray to the God that has held us from rest for far to long... What do you want from us already!!!

We are tired... when will there be relief... when will we be freed form this Black Box that contains us... please tell me God... I plead with you...

when will there be LIGHT again in this world...
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:icontherealnightspirit:
TheRealNightspirit Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Last year, in a total of about 5 months, I lost 4 members of my family. They were all in another state, so I could not go to any of their funerals. This year I lost another one. And my mother has come close to committing suicide. Trust me when I say I can probably understand, at least a bit, the pain you feel. Life has this nasty habit of wanting to test us, and it seems only when things are going so awesome. Could it have been something said that jinxed it? Could it have been negative energy put more towards what could happen to mess things up?

I'm not religious myself, but I do offer you positive energy and thoughts. I sincerely hope all goes better for you and your guy. Try not to dwell on the negative things.

All I can really say is perhaps learning from the darkness that has happened will help to find the light.
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:iconmsilvestre:
msilvestre Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Professional General Artist
I have this huge Buddhist Gathering with Hundreds of people attending this Friday 7pm Pacific, I am the Host/MC so I will for sure have you in my prayers.

I have been threw a lot over the pass year and I thought I was going to drown in it, all I kept doing was looking up, thinking of positive thoughts and massive amounts of praying/studying with my faith.
I am threw with Los Angeles and back home in Oregon with my Parents and starting over, the pass is no more than a dream and it's time to forge forward.

There is hope. I kept saying that before I go to bed and know that there is a better pass for me to go, I got over my depression that lasted three years and now learning the way life is. It's Trial and Error.
At the end it feels relief but to start fresh and have strong faith to tackle any Obstacle in the future again. I am grateful that you express this because boiling these feelings inside is cancerous, that's why friends and family are here to support you and send billions of prayers to you and your family!

I'm on facebook if you have any questions I will be there for you!
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:iconbeamer:
beamer Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Professional Traditional Artist
you always seemed like one of the nicest and most cheerful person i know online, so this all comes as a big surprise to me. reaching out is the right thing to do... so kudos to you for doing that! :)
been through a lot of crazy up and downs myself... i think a lot of us have. if you ever want to rant less publically, send me a message/voice chat/note/email. hang in there, rachel!
and also, art is always a great outlet for this sorta thing. keep on drawing! this one that you posted is full of emotion and if i had only seen that and not the words that followed, i would be able to tell you've got a lot on your mind.
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:iconlaserbot:
Laserbot Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Hobbyist Filmographer
Thanks beamer... im... doing a bit better. things are still tough but im trying to deal with it and accept everything for what it is. been reading my bible again.

and thanks i realy drew that fast... i didnt feel like cleaning it up being that was the point... everythings a mess right now and inside thats how i feel rough and incompleet.
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:iconlord-shinra:
Lord-ShinRa Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2011
I don't follow any religion, and I don't quite know what you're going through so I can't give any real words of comfort to help you continue with what you're going through.

The only real advice I can give is that it's sometimes best not to hope. Sometimes it's simply best to not think things will get better and simply persevere with certainty that some time in the future things will improve rather than praying for it.
...
If there is anything I can do, any time, just let me know though.
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:iconfire-redhead:
Fire-Redhead Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2011  Professional Traditional Artist
:worry: Oh hun, I'm so sorry to hear that. I certainly will pray for you and your family, whatever troubles there may be in your lives.

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.....

Though you are crushed in spirit know that He and your friends here (though far away and out of sight) send you words of comfort as well as prayer.
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:iconglacierscience:
glacierSCIENCE Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
:hug:
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:iconsezwho:
SEZwho Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2011
:hug: Wow, I've been wondering what you've been up to but, I'm so sad to see all this. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prays.
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:iconfoxfirestorm:
foxfirestorm Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2011
:hug:

I'm sorry for the hardships and I wish I had something to say that could cheer you up and maybe make you feel better. However, as a friend, I hope things get better for you and if you ever need a shoulder, I'll do my best to be there.

That is, all I can really say.

Be strong and stand your ground.
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:iconshadowcat9279:
shadowcat9279 Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
:hug: I understand so much more then you could ever know. If you ever want to talk, rant or just cry, Im here for you. Ive been going through depression for...hell a very very long time. I no longer have any dreams and just drawing can seem more like a chore then a joy or outlet. Then when it all comes down on you with that heavy emptiness...its a horrible feeling. Like your in a hole and no mater how much you climb and struggle to get out you just slid right back to the bottom.

Know that your not alone and that Im here to help if you want it. God Bless you. You are a very strong person and I know that good things will come to you.
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:iconmysticom:
Mysticom Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
All I can offer you is a digital hug. I hope you'll get out of this black box soon, I really do. I get unhappy knowing my friends are unhappy..
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:iconampliflier:
Ampliflier Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2011
I'm so sorry to here that you are going through a hard time now.I have depression &anxiety too.I also like dawing too.:hug: :)
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:iconblack-heart-spiral:
BLACK-HEART-SPIRAL Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2011   General Artist
You know, you and I are in a similiar situation. Though it's not much family for me, unless you count the family i'll probably leave behind with a decision I am so close to making...or have made but can't bring myself to really go through and say it's complete yet. I've been feeling all sorts of emotions the past month, and i'm told it will happen for awhile and wane with time. Can't say I saw myself in this position, and I always thought I would be happy forever...but no. I can say that I feel somehow that the path i'm trying to go down will be a good one...somehow...but right now, the negativeness is creeping in, eating away, the craziness of it all.

I am sorry a lot of this is happening to you, and although i'm not much on religious beliefs, I do believe in something out there, and in that, my prayers are out to you. I hope things do turn for the better, same on my account, but for the moment...it will be hard. Just try and be strong, it's probably the best thing to do in situations like this even when everything is falling apart.
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:icontfsolardive:
tfsolardive Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2011   Photographer
Hugs
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:iconlaserbot:
Laserbot Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2011  Hobbyist Filmographer
*clings*
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:iconcrosslacroa:
CrossLacroa Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I sincerely hope things get better for you, sis. Much love and hugs.
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:iconstarshot-seeker:
Starshot-seeker Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
I undestand and know how you feel right now, and really you aren't the only ones that pass for that, a lot of people are passing that, and even not in the same way but in different things... life isn't easy a lot of times and there are some times that are like a bad luck streak, like a dark storm cloud all the time over our heads ruining all every time...

but you have to think that there's still life, you are alive :nod: and when you are still alive that means you still can go and try in anything to do whatever you could think can help you at least a little

in those really bad times you have to concentrate your efforts maybe in the little thing that could drive you to really great things, but not waste your life, if you are still alive, go and live, and try and try again, but never give up, if you fail go and try again, because that's a probe that God put to us in our ways and we have to pass through it or die trying, but at least do something :hug: and you can be proud of that, no matters how little could be what you do, you have to enjoy all that you have right now :hug: and no wait for anything, so in that way, some surprise could come to your life :nod:

well really don't know if my words could help you something, but this is something I learned and my friends sayed to me every time I was close to be depresed :nod: and at least a little that made me feel better ^^

hope all things soon could be more better for your family and you :hug: and I'm going to pray for you too ^^
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:iconbenwolfson:
BenWolfson Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2011
You know, I've always believed if God "tests" us like he regularly "tests" us, I'm not sure He meets up to our standards.
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:iconfrankorourke:
FrankORourke Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2011  Professional General Artist
wow....I'm stumped. I thought for sure you were doing okay. It hurts me to know my friends are feeling such pain, sadness and fear inside knowing I can do absolutely nothing to be there.

I will keep you in my thoughts, but I'm not honestly the religious type. but I will do all I can to send all the positive energy I have inside, in your direction your. I hope whatever it is that's truly making you feel this way leaves you alone eventually.

Try hard to stay happy and positive, not to mention strong for yourself and your loved ones my friend. *hugs*
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:iconlaserbot:
Laserbot Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2011  Hobbyist Filmographer
Thank you Gauge... I'm sorry, This isn't me... this is that dark thing inside me that wont go away... worry doubt and fear...
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:iconfrankorourke:
FrankORourke Featured By Owner Jan 25, 2011  Professional General Artist
hey no worries I have it too my friend and if anybody in this god forsaken world can understand all your going through and be completely sympathetic of it, it is I. (Bi-Polar/Manic-Depressive/Borderline-Personality-Disorder)

I'm always here of you need a person to unleash to. :)

Hang in there my friend.
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:iconjzlobo:
JZLobo Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I... understand what you're going through. I've been there... I am there. Life is an endless string of trials, sometimes major, sometimes minor. I will definitely add you to my prayers tonight. At times like this it's important to hold tight to the most important thing in your life: your family.
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:iconlaserbot:
Laserbot Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2011  Hobbyist Filmographer
thank you... and we are clinging for dear life.
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